do you love yourself?

are you your own friend?

I hear it only too often when saying that it’s hard for me that all my loved and loving ones live far from here (nearest’s in Dublin)

that there is no one here that I love and they love me back

ffs PEOPLE! would you shove that psychology-for-idiots stuff up your patronising assess?

I do love myself, I am my own best friend and most interesting company

if I don’t have many relationships where I live is BECAUSE I HAVE FUCKING STANDARDS

I’m not interested in bullshit

I’m not interested in lies

in gossip

in pretence

in neglect

in stupidity

in drugs and/or alcohol

I’d rather have real and amazing relationships with people far away than shite ones here (and yes, I can have both! and I do, have some wonderful friendships here but me being me: not enough! want more 😀 )

I may not see my loved ones for as often as I would like to but I KNOW I’m in their hearts and thoughts because they proved it more than once

that’s why if someone declares their love after few weeks of knowing me I’ m like: really? bullshit!

you don’t know me, you may lust after me, you may have a gigantic crush but it is NOT LOVE, and it’s not friendship

not to my standards

and yes, it can be hard here because this place is very small and I don’t have much choice but I’d rather spend time in my own beloved and friendly company than waste it on shallow, stupid and pointless relationships

not because I do not love myself but because I love myself enough to be wise about it

learned it hard way

brilliant painful lesson

and it’s NO THANKS until we know each other really well, good and bad, prettiest and ugliest

like I do with “my” people, ones that I’m true friends/loves for years and years

we fought and worked for those relationships to last and to deepen

I’m not interested in less!






tough day?
how to deal?
start it with cafe and get inspired by a friend to write a song (fourth one in last four days!), punkish and angry (yep, partly done and there is word FUCK! in it so it’s angry enough)
and then another friend makes you happiest ever by telling you that one you’ve written four days ago is a fucking earworm and she can’t get it out of her head 😀 FOR FOUR DAYS!
after that you go and block someone on fb, cause you fucking can 😀
and after that you eat coffee Haagen Daz ice cream that was half price
and after you work your ass off at you favourite shop, volunteering and have a lovely coffee and chocolate cake/cream with nicest co-worker ever
meet bestie’s grandfather (lovely gentelman, can see where those boys got their charm from ;p )
and then get home and eat pizza
with purring cat
and record a bit of that angry song 😀
tough day?
in many ways it was and still is shit
but hey
I love and I’m loved
and this is what matters 🙂

dating? no, thanks

I don’t do dating

no, seriously

I don’t like it

for me it’s something superficial, stinks of fake

bit like job interview: lot of bullshit

only with job inteview at least there is a cv, references from previous employers and all that, with dating it’s just plain sales and marketing

when I click with someone we don’t need dates, we just go for it, do things together, drink coffee, talk, laugh, sex, whatever we feel like

or in established relationship we do “dates” and that means celebrating time together and our relationship

but all “going on a date” (dressing, makeuping, stressing, hairdoing) is just booooooooooring

so… if you see me as potential partner… or just fancy me, lets   grab a coffee , talk to me, go for walk or drive

and if I feel the same we’ll kiss and hold hands, and fuck each other sensless

but pleasepleaseplease spare me all that “dating” crap :p


on being nice

a friend had written a fb status that got me thinking

she decided, she wants to be nice to everybody

to people saying nasty things about her, to people that anger her, hurt her, make her sad or simply don’t like her

she wants to be nice to them and smile

and if they don’t like that either that’s ok too


I kind of get the idea

if being not-nice was causing her harm it is understandable that she wants to change her approach, if confrontation makes her miserable it’s better that way

but I don’t believe in “nice” when people are mean, when they are nasty, when they deliberately disrespect and upset others

I belive in standing up for myself and for others

so no, I will NOT be nice if someone is rasist, homophobic, agressive, nasty, bullying, viciously gossiping

I won’t sit there and smile, or smile and leave

I will never ignore verbal or physical abuse, talking shit behind someones back and I definitely will not be nice to people who deliberately hurt other people or animals

no fucking chance

cause I believe in standing up for weak, harmed and hurt

and I payed for not being nice, more that once

but I still will say big fat: FUCK OFF to every bully, to every false friend, to every nasty  or manipulative person trying to harm me or my friends

I will call out their bullshit

and yes, I won’t be popular, liked or “positive”

but I will be honest and true to what I believe in

being nice is not my priority

being REAL is

so when I’m angry I won’t smile and be nice

when I’m hurt I won’t smile and be nice

when I’m sad, upset, shaken, furious, scared I won’t smile and be nice

I’ll stand up for myself

and I’ll stand up for others if needed

and I will take consequences and responsibility for that

so it’s ok if someone likes it

if not they can fuck off


quantum empowerment

some people are just talktalktalk,
they talk of love, of connection, of kidness, spiritual this and that
yadda yadda yadda,
they are so deep and oh so wonderful in their emotional masturbation they don’t see that their actions do not follow they words,
that they don’t practice what they preach…
or practice it only as long as it suits and benefits them 

for the future: always look at the actions, words mean nothing if actions do not follow

ps. little hint: everything is about them, connection with you is about them too and they also believe they are the honest, brave and vulnerable ones and when you try to communicate that something is not as it seems to be, you are the bad guy and them-poor victims of your negativity

so I’ll add one more thing: RUN! 😉


don’t you just love it when someone says: your hair (make-up, dress, shape, whatever) is great, much better than before!



especially when “before” is natural and the way that I mostly wear it/am

I was complimented like this today, aquaintance commented on my photo: your hair is lovely, much better this way than curly


this is my natural messy hair (colour is fake of course and I love it this way and sometimes my hair is more curly sometimes it’s just messy-like here ;p )


and this is the straightened version she complimented (also freshly dyed):


now, it’s not the question if I look better with straight or messy hair, with or without make-up, de gustibus non est disputandum

I like it both ways as I simply like myself

even when I look like this ( before shower, no make up and in my mum’s t-shirt) ;p


it’s about the way people think they’re being nice and they say nice things while what they really do is tell you “you’re not good enough the way you are/were”

and it’s not necessarily cause they want to be mean, it’s just that they don’t realise what they’re doing, they may honestly think that your look is better now then before and they don’t understand that saying it the way they do is actually belittleing and harmful

so what to do if someone (in our opinion) REALLY looks better with whatever they changed about their appearence? and we want to compliment them and kinda hint that it looks better?

I think it is safe to say: I like it more this way and I think it really suits you

make it personal preference (I like, I love, I prefer) and always ALWAYS accentuate how great it is and how amazing, noticing details and so on and so on without saying ANYTHING negative about other/before look

it’s that simple!

and I know girl that complimented me ment well

but tbh I will NOT straighten my hair more often to please anybody

too much hassle :p


about ageing

I’ve got an email from a friend where she was describing her emotional issue: having crush on much younger guy

she is a mature student, (over 40) and he’s 27/28 lad from same year

I’m not going to tell you all complicated story but what hit me the most in her email was that she was apparently ashamed of her age

she had a problem telling how old she is to her younger co-students (male and female)

she was dodging the question and, on top of it, getting rather upset about the fact that her crush may find out

as a woman at 43 years of age I can understand why she feels this way

we live in a culture that puts youth on pedestal, expecially for women

if you’re not young and pretty, you’re not fuckable enough-you don’t matter, you disappear

also when you’re fat

so god forbid being over 40, regular, overweight female-you should cease to exist in society’s eyes

and then… you DON’T

well I DON’T

and I never felt like I should

younger lovers? bring it on!

my wonderful partner? yep, nine years younger

did I experience invisibility? oh yes

very much so

but I did not run away from good things, from beauty, from interesting relationships because of age difference

we are told by media, society, whatever, that over 40 we’re done as attractive, sexual, sensual beauties (unless we look like photoshopped models, spend hours at gym or money on cosmetics and plastic surgeries)

well I say BULLSHIT

it’s not a competition with younger women and if we see relationships as such we won’t go far anyway

we’ve made it ladies! we’ve made it through highs and lows, through hearbreaks and challenges, through good times and terrible times

we have wrinkles and grey hair

some of us are fat, some have parts missing, scars and hair in weird places

but we survived! we made it!

we can do make up and colour our hair (I do, I love my red coloured hair) or we can grow out grey and stop shaving our legs-that’s cool too

we can NOT GIVE A FUCK of what people think about us and we can be proud of our age and who we are

also when the  young beautiful men are attracted to us and us to them WE CAN GO FOR IT joyfully and without shame and guilt

because there is nothing wrong with it 🙂

tell him your age dear, do it with pride and be happy about it

and if he’s got a problem with it he’s not the right person to have anything going on with anyway :p

but he won’t if he likes you 😉

being happy and selfassured is the sexiest thing ever

so yeah, lovely middleaged ladies

we are AMAZING!

not because 40 is new 30

but beacuse 40 is AWESOME! 😀

over 40 and feeling beautiful 🙂