new poem

***

I wanted to write a poem

about rising from the ashes

resurrection

rebirth

or at least reinvention

I’d call it “Phoenix”

or something else as grandiose and cliche

but then

sunbeams and warm air

leaves shooting from my fingertips

flowers opening in my hair

toes deep in the sand

simply alive

no big words

just

spring

 

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***

I didn’t cry

I did not cry for you

it felt like I’ve just turned my head for a second and when I turned back

you were gone

and I didn’t cry

I was angry and sad and disappointed

how could you just go?

how could you leave me like this?

we supposed to have years and years together

we supposed to watch David Attenborough

and drink far too much coffee

and eat cookies 

and you’d smoke a lot

you knew it’s bad for you

and I knew it’s bad for you

but I’d say nothing and just hand you a lighter

you’d drink cognac “for your blood pressure” and I’d have few drops in my egg yolks beaten with sugar

you’d sit in your armchair curled up with legs crossed in an impossible way

and I’d bring you stories

and you’d share yours

everyday

but

none of this will happen ever again

and still

I did not cry

for you

Grandma

as in some odd way

you’re still with me

I’m part of you

you’re part of me

always will be

no need for tears

 

***

small things are the most important

aren’t they?

strong coffee at down

my cat’s purr

my dog’s smile

the smell of a new book

taste of chocolate

beach and wind and sky

when we walk holding hands

and

everyday dying

a continuous thing

bit by bit

unnoticed

real

that’s where I find it

the significance and sense

the meaning of life

2

 

no worries

no worries- he said

but… I’m made of worries

fears and sadness

I can not stop

yes worries

always yes worries

overthinking

heart racing

trembling

shivering

panicking

out-of-control

no worries- he said

will he make them go away?

will he?

will he?

today

2

 

this!

“Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety; other women cloy
The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
Where most she satisfies; for vilest things
Become themselves in her, that the holy priests
Bless her when she is riggish.”

1

***

LONGING

I don’t really miss HIM

but I do miss the way he made me feel

this warmth in my belly

not butterflies, no

more like hot coffee and velvety softness

delicious light kisses

gentle touches

like he’s checking if I’m still there

I do not miss HIM

not the paranoia

not the drama

not the disconnection

not the empty silence

not the ghosting

not the breadcrumbing

no

I don’t miss all that

at all

but I do miss

music

in the car

and his hand

on my knee

it is not about HIM

it’s about those sweet little things he did

that made me love him

made me want him

make me miss him

until I’ll have them again

with someone else…

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THE KIND ONES

THE KIND ONES

when darkness falls
on your heart
on your soul
no one will notice

they’ll drink their teas
chat about the weather
turn on the radio
and talk about the importance
of empathy

oh, the mindful ones
so non-judgmental
the kind ones
that look the other way
while you
hold back tears
or cry silently
in the bathroom

they are so nice and caring
they will tell you all
about their need
to make this world 
a better place

they will say things like:
safe space
and:
everybody’s welcome

they will give talks on:
meditation
yoga
wellbeing
self-care

and fail to notice
fresh cuts
old scars

they’ll let darkness
to swallow you whole
because you are not
wearing your diagnose
on your sleeve

you have no badge
saying “vulnerable”

you have no “mental illness”tattoo
on your forehead

high functioning
high acting
high high

and hiding when low

some of them,
oh yes,
will even use
most beautiful word:
love

the universal one of course
not that particular one
that holds your hand
and wraps you in a blanket 

and when you try to show them
this is what I need
this is who I am
they roll their eyes
or snap

cause you’re too much
your muchness is
unnerving
annoying
loud
WRONG

especially if you do not disclose
what type of crazy you are

and even when you do
they still
will talk
about:
meditation
yoga
wellbeing
self-care
and maybe throw in some
mindfulness
minimalism
healthy diet
positive thinking

and will call you judgmental
when you politely tell them 
to FUCK OFF
with their bullshit

so
what do you do?
where do you go?
when safe space is only safe
if you swallow your meditation
like a good girl
when you stay positive
like a good boy
when you eat your daily exercise
and stay on the right path
bright path
nice path

what do you do?
where do you go?
when the only safe space
is curled
on the floor
in the dark

alone