***

I didn’t cry

I did not cry for you

it felt like I’ve just turned my head for a second and when I turned back

you were gone

and I didn’t cry

I was angry and sad and disappointed

how could you just go?

how could you leave me like this?

we supposed to have years and years together

we supposed to watch David Attenborough

and drink far too much coffee

and eat cookies 

and you’d smoke a lot

you knew it’s bad for you

and I knew it’s bad for you

but I’d say nothing and just hand you a lighter

you’d drink cognac “for your blood pressure” and I’d have few drops in my egg yolks beaten with sugar

you’d sit in your armchair curled up with legs crossed in an impossible way

and I’d bring you stories

and you’d share yours

everyday

but

none of this will happen ever again

and still

I did not cry

for you

Grandma

as in some odd way

you’re still with me

I’m part of you

you’re part of me

always will be

no need for tears

 

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so much going on

I have no time to write… so for now just a photo of my beautiful friends and their puppy Alfie, my Nuala’s brother

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1

sadness

how did we get here?

how from being so close, holding each other like there is no tomorrow, feeling deeply we got to this glass wall between us

how did it happen?

I can see you but I can’t feel you

you can see me but only some forgotten gods know what you feel or think

I don’t

where once was heat between us, there is just chilly night now

where once was wild passion between us, there is not even mild friendly interest now

where once was love (or was it? did I imagine it all?) there is Nothing now

Nothing eating up Fantasia

and I have no Falcor to bring me luck

luckily Gmork is gone too..

disappointment, sadness, regret

when I start to love, I just keep loving and it’s hard for me to get over the fact that people just stop, that they don’t care anymore, they’re gone and we’re strangers again, even further apart than before

weird

but this is how it is

so I leave this Love behind

it was important

it was intense and beautiful

it was sweet and strong like coffee with honey

it’s asleep now because the man I loved is not there anymore, just some stranger

cute and sweet one, all right

but just another stranger

all that feeling: I’ve known you forever, I can be fully myself with you, I can rest beside you, I’m turned on just by looking at you- all that is gone

what is left?

smile

memories

gratitude mixed with regret ( The Civil Wars – The One That Got Away )

deep disappointment… with myself mostly

you?

you are just yourself, you told me and showed me more than once exactly who you are

I just didn’t want to see and believe

now I do

I’m glad “we” happened

I’m glad “we” are over

my love is and will be there

hibernating

maybe one day it will grow and bloom again

maybe not

does it even matter?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

LONGING

I don’t really miss HIM

but I do miss the way he made me feel

this warmth in my belly

not butterflies, no

more like hot coffee and velvety softness

delicious light kisses

gentle touches

like he’s checking if I’m still there

I do not miss HIM

not the paranoia

not the drama

not the disconnection

not the empty silence

not the ghosting

not the breadcrumbing

no

I don’t miss all that

at all

but I do miss

music

in the car

and his hand

on my knee

it is not about HIM

it’s about those sweet little things he did

that made me love him

made me want him

make me miss him

until I’ll have them again

with someone else…

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