how did we get here?

how from being so close, holding each other like there is no tomorrow, feeling deeply we got to this glass wall between us

how did it happen?

I can see you but I can’t feel you

you can see me but only some forgotten gods know what you feel or think

I don’t

where once was heat between us, there is just chilly night now

where once was wild passion between us, there is not even mild friendly interest now

where once was love (or was it? did I imagine it all?) there is Nothing now

Nothing eating up Fantasia

and I have no Falcor to bring me luck

luckily Gmork is gone too..

disappointment, sadness, regret

when I start to love, I just keep loving and it’s hard for me to get over the fact that people just stop, that they don’t care anymore, they’re gone and we’re strangers again, even further apart than before


but this is how it is

so I leave this Love behind

it was important

it was intense and beautiful

it was sweet and strong like coffee with honey

it’s asleep now because the man I loved is not there anymore, just some stranger

cute and sweet one, all right

but just another stranger

all that feeling: I’ve known you forever, I can be fully myself with you, I can rest beside you, I’m turned on just by looking at you- all that is gone

what is left?



gratitude mixed with regret ( The Civil Wars – The One That Got Away )

deep disappointment… with myself mostly


you are just yourself, you told me and showed me more than once exactly who you are

I just didn’t want to see and believe

now I do

I’m glad “we” happened

I’m glad “we” are over

my love is and will be there


maybe one day it will grow and bloom again

maybe not

does it even matter?











I don’t really miss HIM

but I do miss the way he made me feel

this warmth in my belly

not butterflies, no

more like hot coffee and velvety softness

delicious light kisses

gentle touches

like he’s checking if I’m still there

I do not miss HIM

not the paranoia

not the drama

not the disconnection

not the empty silence

not the ghosting

not the breadcrumbing


I don’t miss all that

at all

but I do miss


in the car

and his hand

on my knee

it is not about HIM

it’s about those sweet little things he did

that made me love him

made me want him

make me miss him

until I’ll have them again

with someone else…


peace of mind

the more I distance myself from people that are not good to me and for me the more happy and tranquil I become

there are some good people that are not good for me
they mean well, they think they are friendly or helpful but they are not

they don’t understand me or they have values and priorities that heavily crash with mine and they are disrespectful about it

I recently blocked someone like this on fb

is he a bad guy?

I don’t think so

but he overstepped the line when I politely asked him to not post comments, that are attacking my beliefs, on my wall, as I don’t post those on his he refused point blank and told me he’s got the right to express himself freely

not on my wall bitch!

some time ago I’d try to explain and express my regret but now I just hit “block” and ask The Goblin King to take him away RIGHT NOW 😉

I have no time and patience and health to fiddle with every person that decides to disrespect me, I give one warning and then BYE

and some time ago I would still have them in my mind, sometimes it does come back, like a bit of hiccup but I drink a glass of water, breathe deeply and move on

in real life I do the same: I smile politely, say hi and bye and don’t engage in any interaction

keeping emotional and, as much as possible, physical distance from those who don’t treat me right

and I was afraid I’m going to be even more alone (I am alone A LOT)  but when I got my standards back when I set the bar higher when I got rid of people who are unkind or false towards me I’ve made more space for good ones

for those who respect me, who value our time together, who invest time and effort as much as I do

and this feels amazing

and it brings peace and joy

I’m sure I’ll come in close contact with some problematic people again, I’m still drawn to ones with issues (I don’t mind issues, I do mind disrespect or taking me for granted) but I’m also quite sure I’ll recognise the pattern much faster and not lower my standards and will nicely say: bye! and move on

this is healthy egoism, this is basic self-care and I need it

do you?



do you love yourself?

are you your own friend?

I hear it only too often when saying that it’s hard for me that all my loved and loving ones live far from here (nearest’s in Dublin)

that there is no one here that I love and they love me back

ffs PEOPLE! would you shove that psychology-for-idiots stuff up your patronising assess?

I do love myself, I am my own best friend and most interesting company

if I don’t have many relationships where I live is BECAUSE I HAVE FUCKING STANDARDS

I’m not interested in bullshit

I’m not interested in lies

in gossip

in pretence

in neglect

in stupidity

in drugs and/or alcohol

I’d rather have real and amazing relationships with people far away than shite ones here (and yes, I can have both! and I do, have some wonderful friendships here but me being me: not enough! want more 😀 )

I may not see my loved ones for as often as I would like to but I KNOW I’m in their hearts and thoughts because they proved it more than once

that’s why if someone declares their love after few weeks of knowing me I’ m like: really? bullshit!

you don’t know me, you may lust after me, you may have a gigantic crush but it is NOT LOVE, and it’s not friendship

not to my standards

and yes, it can be hard here because this place is very small and I don’t have much choice but I’d rather spend time in my own beloved and friendly company than waste it on shallow, stupid and pointless relationships

not because I do not love myself but because I love myself enough to be wise about it

learned it hard way

brilliant painful lesson

and it’s NO THANKS until we know each other really well, good and bad, prettiest and ugliest

like I do with “my” people, ones that I’m true friends/loves for years and years

we fought and worked for those relationships to last and to deepen

I’m not interested in less!





different people look for different things and different ways
I seek sublime, beautiful and transcendent
I’m not moved by vulgar
I’m not moved by ovesexualised
I’m not moved by exhibitionistic
I’m not interested in literal description of artist’s personal life, her/his genitalia, grooming habits or bodily functions
no, it doesn’t shock me, it bores me, it’s mundane and it’s not to my taste
I don’t hate it and I don’t hate those who like/perform that kind of art
if that makes them happy good for them
sometimes I even look at some of it, pure curiosity and entertainment value and a bit of study of human nature (and that always interests me)
but art like this will not hold my attention for long, will not give me shivers and goosbumps, will not entertain me enough to pay for book/dvd/cd/gig
there are songs and voices that take me to different dimentions and there are those that make me shrug and turn to talk to my friends
there are books that stay with me for long time, make difference and those that I forget in a blink or don’t even finish
there are movies that I can watch again and again and every time I see something new and beautiful and those that make me switch off or leave theather
and yes, there is something in between: art that is also craft, it’s well done, it’s nice and good and fun
and I appreciate that very much, it’s lovely
but yes, I’m fussy and I know what I like and what I I dislike
in art
and in artists
and in life
and I’ll stick to that

do it today

today one thing hit me even more than usual: it’s people I love, and those that love me, that matter, other things come and go, there are ups and downs but all that really matters is deep true love
and I’m not talking about infatuation, head over heels thingy
being smitten is sweet and wild and overwhelming but it does not have that depth, that truth, that REAL thing that love does
when you know someone, really KNOW them, best and worst and you just don’t stop loving them, no matter what, and here and now
because you know what? there may be no tomorrow
no time for coffee, for chat, for cuddle, for holding hands, for laughing, crying, being together
there may be no time for you, for them, ever again
so hurry my friends, when you love someone let them know, be with them, write, text, call, facebook, go for walk, go for coffee, and more coffee 😉 , go for drive, see a movie, share music, books, shows, LOVE


I was born in a beautiful city

I left it long ago

found myself in the another one

made of bricks and rock

canals and cobblestones

I was lost

there must me a place for me


there must a place for my soul

to find peace

travelling here and there and around

stunning views

lovely people


but my soul was craving for more

wanting to belong

and then


stole my heart

all the beauty

and all friends I love

hills and Ocean

and music most of all

HornHead Cliffs

Falcarragh Backstrand

Tramore and Marble Hill

this is my home

this is where I belong

girl from Poland

lost no more