new poem

***

I wanted to write a poem

about rising from the ashes

resurrection

rebirth

or at least reinvention

I’d call it “Phoenix”

or something else as grandiose and cliche

but then

sunbeams and warm air

leaves shooting from my fingertips

flowers opening in my hair

toes deep in the sand

simply alive

no big words

just

spring

 

IMG_0542

Advertisements

bit of black and white

Go deeper than love, for the soul has greater depths,
love is like the grass, but the heart is deep wild rock
molten, yet dense and permanent.

Go down to your deep old heart, woman, and lose sight of yourself.
And lose sight of me, the me whom you turbulently loved.

Let us lose sight of ourselves, and break the mirrors.
For the fierce curve of our lives is moving again to the depths
out of sight, in the deep dark living heart.

…I do not want a woman whom age cannot wither.
She is a made-up lie, a dyed immortelle
of infinite staleness.

From ‘Know Deeply, Know Thyself More Deeply’ by DH Lawrence

 

IMG_2649

***

I didn’t cry

I did not cry for you

it felt like I’ve just turned my head for a second and when I turned back

you were gone

and I didn’t cry

I was angry and sad and disappointed

how could you just go?

how could you leave me like this?

we supposed to have years and years together

we supposed to watch David Attenborough

and drink far too much coffee

and eat cookies 

and you’d smoke a lot

you knew it’s bad for you

and I knew it’s bad for you

but I’d say nothing and just hand you a lighter

you’d drink cognac “for your blood pressure” and I’d have few drops in my egg yolks beaten with sugar

you’d sit in your armchair curled up with legs crossed in an impossible way

and I’d bring you stories

and you’d share yours

everyday

but

none of this will happen ever again

and still

I did not cry

for you

Grandma

as in some odd way

you’re still with me

I’m part of you

you’re part of me

always will be

no need for tears

 

***

small things are the most important

aren’t they?

strong coffee at down

my cat’s purr

my dog’s smile

the smell of a new book

taste of chocolate

beach and wind and sky

when we walk holding hands

and

everyday dying

a continuous thing

bit by bit

unnoticed

real

that’s where I find it

the significance and sense

the meaning of life

2

 

no worries

no worries- he said

but… I’m made of worries

fears and sadness

I can not stop

yes worries

always yes worries

overthinking

heart racing

trembling

shivering

panicking

out-of-control

no worries- he said

will he make them go away?

will he?

will he?

today

2

 

this!

“Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety; other women cloy
The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
Where most she satisfies; for vilest things
Become themselves in her, that the holy priests
Bless her when she is riggish.”

1

***

LONGING

I don’t really miss HIM

but I do miss the way he made me feel

this warmth in my belly

not butterflies, no

more like hot coffee and velvety softness

delicious light kisses

gentle touches

like he’s checking if I’m still there

I do not miss HIM

not the paranoia

not the drama

not the disconnection

not the empty silence

not the ghosting

not the breadcrumbing

no

I don’t miss all that

at all

but I do miss

music

in the car

and his hand

on my knee

it is not about HIM

it’s about those sweet little things he did

that made me love him

made me want him

make me miss him

until I’ll have them again

with someone else…

IMG_6678