***

LONGING

I don’t really miss HIM

but I do miss the way he made me feel

this warmth in my belly

not butterflies, no

more like hot coffee and velvety softness

delicious light kisses

gentle touches

like he’s checking if I’m still there

I do not miss HIM

not the paranoia

not the drama

not the disconnection

not the empty silence

not the ghosting

not the breadcrumbing

no

I don’t miss all that

at all

but I do miss

music

in the car

and his hand

on my knee

it is not about HIM

it’s about those sweet little things he did

that made me love him

made me want him

make me miss him

until I’ll have them again

with someone else…

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love

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peace of mind

the more I distance myself from people that are not good to me and for me the more happy and tranquil I become

there are some good people that are not good for me
they mean well, they think they are friendly or helpful but they are not

they don’t understand me or they have values and priorities that heavily crash with mine and they are disrespectful about it

I recently blocked someone like this on fb

is he a bad guy?

I don’t think so

but he overstepped the line when I politely asked him to not post comments, that are attacking my beliefs, on my wall, as I don’t post those on his he refused point blank and told me he’s got the right to express himself freely

not on my wall bitch!

some time ago I’d try to explain and express my regret but now I just hit “block” and ask The Goblin King to take him away RIGHT NOW šŸ˜‰

I have no time and patience and health to fiddle with every person that decides to disrespect me, I give one warning and then BYE

and some time ago I would still have them in my mind, sometimes it does come back, like a bit of hiccup but I drink a glass of water, breatheĀ deeply and move on

in real life I do the same: I smile politely, say hi and bye and don’t engage in any interaction

keeping emotional and, as much as possible, physical distance from those who don’t treat me right

and I was afraid I’m going to be even more alone (I am alone A LOT) Ā but when I got my standards back when I set the bar higher when I got rid of people who are unkind or false towards me I’ve made more space for good ones

for those who respect me, who value our time together, who invest time and effort as much as I do

and this feels amazing

and it brings peace and joy

I’m sure I’ll come in close contact with some problematic people again, I’m still drawn to ones with issues (I don’t mind issues, I do mind disrespect or taking me for granted) but I’m also quite sure I’ll recognise the pattern much faster and not lower my standards and will nicely say: bye! and move on

this is healthy egoism, this is basic self-careĀ and I need it

do you?

šŸ™‚

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near Dunlewey

part of my part time job is walking

part of my walking is taking photos

all of it is pure joy and love

this is what Donegal looks like šŸ™‚

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***

you called?
waiting…

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THE KIND ONES

THE KIND ONES

when darkness falls
on your heart
on your soul
no one will notice

they’ll drink their teas
chat about the weather
turn on the radio
and talk about the importance
of empathy

oh, the mindful ones
so non-judgmental
the kind ones
that look the other way
while you
hold back tears
or cry silently
in the bathroom

they are so nice and caring
they will tell you all
about their need
to make this worldĀ 
a better place

they will say things like:
safe space
and:
everybody’s welcome

they will give talks on:
meditation
yoga
wellbeing
self-care

and fail to notice
fresh cuts
old scars

they’ll let darkness
to swallow you whole
because you are not
wearing your diagnose
on your sleeve

you have no badge
saying “vulnerable”

you have no “mental illness”tattoo
on your forehead

high functioning
high acting
high high

and hiding when low

some of them,
oh yes,
will even use
most beautiful word:
love

the universal one of course
not that particular one
that holds your hand
and wraps you in a blanketĀ 

and when you try to show them
this is what I need
this is who I am
they roll their eyes
or snap

cause you’re too much
your muchness is
unnerving
annoying
loud
WRONG

especially if you do not disclose
what type of crazy you are

and even when you do
they still
will talk
about:
meditation
yoga
wellbeing
self-care
and maybe throw in some
mindfulness
minimalism
healthy diet
positive thinking

and will call you judgmental
when you politely tell themĀ 
to FUCK OFF
with their bullshit

so
what do you do?
where do you go?
when safe space is only safe
if you swallow your meditation
like a good girl
when you stay positive
like a good boy
when you eat your daily exercise
and stay on the right path
bright path
nice path

what do you do?
where do you go?
when the only safe space
is curled
on the floor
in the dark

alone

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her turn

LOVE THAT FELT LIKE MAGIC

cheeky smile
sparkly eyes
messy hair

I’ve seen it before

interlaced fingers
gentle hand strokes
nuzzling neck

I’ve felt it before

holding hands
touching hair
sweet kisses

I’ve been there before

soft whispers
breath in the ear
special musicĀ 

I’ve had that before

not so long ago
he made me love him
with the same little tricks

not so long ago
he had eyes
for me only

not so long ago
he held me
like it’s the end of the world

not so long ago
his scent on my skin
in the morning

and his words:
I love you so much
so much

not anymore

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